My lover and I will never part even if we part ways..
HE will always be apart of me .. into our dying days..
Holding hand on the porch watching our baby grow
What the future holds for us only heaven will know
My hearts not on my sleeve He holds it in his hands
If I am to falter, or fall short my lover understands
Yet weve made mistakes sometimes we even fight
but my lover snuggles next to me every single night
Is he a perfect man.. no but he's perfect for me
Love is blind, this I know bc Good God I cannot see
My heart may break with every word if out of turn hes said
But my lover always has a place with me in my bed
Our daughter has his eyes ... she sings and plays like me
without my two living hearts I don't know where id be.
My happiness is there's and no smile can fade with them
My lover knows where I belong will always be with HIM
xoxo sealed with true loves KISS 


"What a man desires in unfailing love better to be poor than a liar."
Proverbs 19:22

where secret things lie

Deuteronomy 30:14 29:29
The secret things belong to the lord our god but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever that we may follow all the words of this law.

Who you are and who I am may be very different people but when you and I entered the world we both saw the world through innocent eyes obviously I don't remember my birth, but my daughters I do vividly and the moment our eyes met I could feel her love she only see the good in me and everyone she came in to contact with.. She's 4 now and although she's changed a lot since that day she still sees the good in people..

As a mother I've messed up many times she's only 4 but these years are the years that mold who she becomes I write that now .. as she plays mind craft .. I'm obviously not the best mother but in her eyes she can see the best in me..

My husband and I have reminisced how much our life has changed and the mistakes we've made and how every year our life gets a little better and a little worst in each department..

I hate the idea of spilling dirty laundry but its already too late the people I know .. know of my short comings and the people I don't will know if they want to.. I have a hard time owning up to my mistakes and saying what I've done out loud .. was it drugs that made me say the things I said .. I don't want to be in denial .. and it may sound like I am but I have no desire now to do anything habit forming and  ...before I justified it to myself (as others surely do) to make myself okay with it.. 2-3 months of my life are missing not because I don't remember because I choose not to.. I am not and was not an addict.. maybe addicted to the sadness.. but if you never fall how are you ever going to get back.. up ..

and the hardest part is knowing the people around you see you drowning and are too afraid to rock the boat and say anything you should never wait until its too late.. or see how they deal with it themselves.. odds are the only reason it hasn't stopped for so many is because they think they're getting away with it.. I don't want to blame others for my mistakes they are MINE and mine alone and I forgive those who stood back and watched.. but if I see you drowning know that I will not stand back and watch .. I will not throw a raft .. I will reach out my hand and do my best to pull you back in..

LOve is not giving up on others even if they've given up on themselves..

Dear Diary

 

With All 7 Diaries 2002 to 2013 being combed through

Ive started what will be my BOOK ..

Don't be a hater...

Age 14 .. the years going in numberical order from left to right

There is a predictable pattern of teen angst and longing for excitement...

and somehow addicted to the pain of unrequited .. crushing

A lot will be left out the dribble of conversations

A lot will be put in .. but the person who some people thought I was and who I actually have came to be may be shattered..

I don't think to highly of myself to be flattered by any opinion of me good or bad..

I've taken so much time to write all of these I may as well put them to some type of use and share them.. if anything else my daughter can read of my mistakes and hopefully realize most of my shortcomings were of my own doing and could've been avoided if I were stronger then ..

I know what kinda of person I want to raise her to be ..

and I think It will help her in the long run to learn from my mistakes..

 

Romains 15:4

For everything that is written in the past was written to teach us.. so that through endurance and the encouragement of the scriptures we might have hope.

 

 

A rocky Road .. but a beautiful Destination

    Tonight I starting writing my BOOK yes my BOOK .. :)
A binder full of loose leaf ruler paper .. I broke out the 6 completed diaries starting with age 14.. the funny thing is when my daughter comes home and same some type of boy trouble instead of saying I understand I can show her.. although she's much stronger than me she will be the heart breaker I already know. It is bitter sweet indulging in my pitifulness... it is a pathetic portrayal of the journey of who I was to who I am now.. but an interesting one at that.. I have a big dream of publishing it and whether I do or not I will be proud of myself for doing it.. for me .. or for whoever reads it.. 

    I decided to add a certain degree of Christian influence to it.. I feel like the bible (whether Christian or not) is a guide to moral living and decision making.. My mistakes were very necessary in gods plan of my future the rocky road that is my life without those questionable moments wouldn't be the same... yes they were very necessary..

my little wisdom..

A job is never just a job .. A house is just a house if it doesn't feel like home.. Don't take for granted the moments others will never get to experience.. such as love. I do it on the daily I become overwhelmed with grief that i don't cherish the little things as much as i used to .. My daughter is happy and healthy and beautiful and so tender hearted at times but strong and sooo sweet she has a spirit like no other to me... I love her so much.. I get caught up in so many other things that aren't important in this life when i have something so wonderful in front of me.

Money doesn't buy happiness .. I've said before ... "try saying that to someone who doesn't have anything to eat or anywhere to sleep" but if someone with a giving heart can give them those things it would mean more to them than money..

I may have wisdom but doesn't mean im wise i still have so much to learn in this lifetime as long as im living .. But if i can change one persons life and make it better i have surpassed the expectations you set for myself... 

I'm happy to have set a goal for myself personal and professional.. I feel like im regaining a little piece of me..

To jessica: Your Sisters Was always an Angel.. now she has her wings

RIP LAURA

Every moment passing by at lighting speed

i have searched but i cant find the words you need

i feel so guilty for the worthless tears ive shed

With Your memories looming and the little things she said

I want to hug you.. hold you tighter than ever before.

Dont be scard noones watching eyes can pour

I cant imagine the pain you feel i know you greive..

If i had the words to say to you,... BUT i cant conceive.

Years have passed and miles between us.. STILL

I wish i could aleiviate the pain you feel

I feel hopeless and helpless I cant make it better

"Feel blessed for the memories you know you wont forget her"

With no comparisons your pains are greater

but.. "Its not good-bye to her .. its just see you later"

Education

Certified Nursing Assistant..
1 year and a half of my life I spent taking care of those who couldn't take care of themselves a truly humbleing experience and painfully numbing I don't wish to share the depression aspects of this career choice but I couldn't stay in this field much longer.. job security has its perks but I don't wish to kill myself for anyone for a paycheck... I got a lot more out of it I admit but as good as you feel to help someone can be equally detrimental when they don't appreciate how hard you're trying.. It is the hard JOB EVER .. I sorry EVER emotionally physical.. demanding.. I was working in a skilled facility this is an experience I wont forget .. and I will share at some point in my life but none the less it was an experience I knew was time to end.. I don't wish to numb myself from the pain of others.. crys for help when theres nothing you can do .. how would you? its incredibly emotional taking care of lives of others then realizing your so drained you don't have much of a live yourself..

Certified Computerized Accounting Specialist
I got this certificate before I got the nursing certificate and honestly would be nice to have a nice office job to relax and earn an income but I live in a small town and there are limits..
people don't see me as responsible I appear young and unprofessional because of my bubbly personality.. a curse

College College College
business classes.. nursing classes.. core classes.. what did I learn?
not sure.. I tend to abort information BRIGHT COLORS!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Photography... A love of nature.. A passion for the capturing of something beautiful.. ;)

One of the talents my mother blessed me with .. that I wish to explore ;) and share for inspiration